188. Reconsider the Holidays and Social Programming
Considering Traditions
Fall and winter holidays are steeped in traditions for many of us, from Thanksgiving turkey to Christmas lights.
Whether they came into our lives with our families of origin or through later relationships, it’s worth considering how those traditions do or don’t align with our values, and if we can reshape them, or shape new traditions that honor our values and the history behind these celebrations.
It’s also worth asking who these celebrations erase, where the dominant narrative came from, and if we want to participate in them at all.
Erica and India discuss Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in the context of history, in the lives of children, and how they’re reconsidering traditions in their own lives.
Listen on your favorite podcast player or keep reading to learn:
Why we need to consider the histories behind holidays like Columbus Day and Thanksgiving
How schools perpetuate holiday myths and Christian narratives
Balancing childhood wonder with transparency and honesty in our relationships with children
Giving context to Indigenous People’s Day and Thanksgiving
The Value of Community Conversation
On the Pause on the Play® podcast, Erica Courdae (she/her) says that she’s been reconsidering some things as we come into the holiday season, and questioning how her values show up there.
India Jackson (she/her) says that she has been thinking about this too, particularly as her phrase of the year “demonstrate culture,” has come up in many aspects of her life and has her considering how her values play into the culture she creates, and what she may be taking part in that no longer aligns with those values.
Erica notes that these are the kinds of conversations that also come up in The Pause on the Play® Community, both to get support and consider solutions, and also to know that you’re not alone in your experiences or thoughts on these subjects.
India says that she’s definitely had the experience of getting the most impact out of group conversations when it comes to issues of values and values integration, where she can learn about other people’s lived experiences and how they navigate these issues.
Erica agrees that open conversations can be great places to not just seek solutions but to discuss ideas and process out loud within a supportive container.
“That in itself is so much more valuable than any person coming on the internet, on their website or social media, and telling you, ‘hey, I know what worked for me and it’ll work for you too’…That’s not how that works. It is about giving people options and allowing them to choose what works for them.”
Confronting the Real Histories of Our Celebrations
India says that many people taking in Pause on the Play® content may not be aware that over the last year, she has become what she calls, “parent-ish,” which is very new territory for her.
As she’s been experiencing those changes, a lot of things have come up where she’s had to stop and think about the expectations and traditions she grew up with and the societal expectations around holidays, and questioning how those things may or may not align with her values.
“And how do you find this place of honoring what you believe in and what to support, while also not necessarily putting children in a place where they might feel left out of the abundance of gifts during [the] Christmas season, or left out of decorating fake turkeys and stuff for Thanksgiving.”
Erica takes a moment to acknowledge that it is a gift to be able to take the space to question the traditions that we were raised with, or that were passed on to us by our families of origin, or that come into our lives with partners, friends, and other chosen family.
Erica says she saw a meme on Instagram recently that illustrated well the despair that can come with learning the truth of US history and the holidays we celebrate, like Columbus Day and Thanksgiving. Those holidays are presented as celebrations, but the historical events are deeply traumatic.
“There’s this really interesting place that as someone that is of influence to a young person, having to figure out, what do I let you have simply because it’s creative or enjoyable? And where do we have to have the real conversation about what the roots are of this?”
India says that when she was single, it was easier to opt out of celebrating Thanksgiving, as much as it might have disappointed her parents, but “it was a ‘me’ choice. I didn’t have to think about a ‘we’ choice.”
As someone who has known the real history of Columbus and Thanksgiving since she was a teenager and made choices based on that knowledge, it’s been a slight shock to remember that, “that’s not everybody else’s reality,” and that indoctrination to the ahistorical lies around Thanksgiving starts with first-grade art projects like turkeys and pilgrim hats.
The Dominance of Christian Holiday Narratives
Erica also acknowledges the way that these stories and traditions being played out in school settings–public or private–leaves out any children who are not Christian.
India says that in both public and private schools, she’s witnessed religion being “completely enmeshed in that you are giving stories about what happened to the Natives, or stories about holidays from a perspective that the parents are not given any information on in advance to decide if they want their children to opt out of.”
She says even for celebrations like Halloween parties, there is no consideration for children and parents who may not celebrate it. She says there is rarely dialogue about whether these celebrations support their beliefs, or what to do if they don’t.
Christianity is so much the norm, she says, that “I thought the story is that we don’t bring this stuff into school and work, but we do. And it’s so infused and so ingrained that it’s almost on autopilot.”
Erica says she has witnessed minor attention given to Hanukah and Kwanzaa, though she does acknowledge that in her elementary school, which was all Black, they did spend a bit more time on Kwanzaa and sang the Negro National Anthem, “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” at assemblies.
India says, in contrast, she has not witnessed mentions of Hanukah or Kwanzaa in the school systems she’s participated in, now or as a child, and she had never heard of the Negro National Anthem, though she notes that she went to predominantly white schools.
As someone who is not religious, Erica says “I don’t know what worse, to give [non-Christian] religion, even if it’s only very small, compartmentalized pieces of it, or to be somebody who feels slightly othered because you don’t necessarily want any of it.”
And with kids, it brings up “these really challenging, deep conversations with somebody that’s just like, I just like shiny things, or I like colorful things, and you’re having to explain why consumerism and capitalism are not helpful or healthy.”
India adds that even if you make the choice not to bring concepts around these holidays to kids, the school does it for you, without your consent, and once they do, you have to figure out how to navigate it.
And “it’s not even presented with any extra context around it of the consumerism and capitalism piece…it’s just presented as, there’s this Santa Claus that brings you gifts if you’re good,” which is itself disconnected from the religious purpose of Christmas.
Erica laughs that her kids have been questioning the logistics of a strange man getting into their house with no key since they were in kindergarten.
Myth and Transparency
Erica says that she grew up in a household that celebrated both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but that she didn’t get intellectual or historical context around the holidays. “I got the Charlie Brown specials, that’s what I got.”
India also celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas when she was a kid. Neither Erica nor India’s families would have wasted milk and cookies on Santa, though Erica has done it for her kids.
India says the question of milk and cookies came up for her recently as she was unpacking after her move. She came across a Santa mug that she asked if they could donate, and was informed that it was for leaving out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.
Erica says when she has done milk and cookies or participated in the Santa myth, she’s been uncomfortable lying to her kids. And “as a Black woman, I feel a way about it…I’m giving this imaginary white man all of the credit” for the whole process of Christmas gift-giving from finding out what they want, to shopping, to wrapping and putting together toys on Christmas Eve.
India says her knee-jerk reaction to participating in Santa has been to ask why people are okay with orchestrating the lie for their kids, but she’s now also trying to hold space for how the myth is fun and exciting for kids.
Erica says that holding space for both is part of the challenge. All of the mythical figures–Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy–that we tell kids about are stories we want them to believe up until a certain point, but it’s like, “Hey, I lied to you for the first eight-ish, 10-ish years of your life, but everything else, trust me a hundred percent, I’m telling you the truth.”
At the same time, parents and caregivers are trying to foster moments of innocence and wonder, “particularly for children that have to grow up too quickly, or those of us that have generational trauma that has passed down and we never had the opportunity to do that, and so we’re trying to give that to our kids.”
So Erica says the question is, “What can be rooted in reality while still allowing you to be as childlike as possible?”
And it’s complicated to figure that out while people around you have different thoughts, feelings, and actions around it at the same time, and you have to address those thoughts and actions.
India adds that she would love to get feedback from people taking in this episode about how they approach the holidays, if they give context and honesty or if they participate in the mythology, and what the result of that has been.
Responding to Kids’ Needs
India notes that for her, gift-giving and celebration don’t have to be tied to any particular holiday. She gives gifts throughout the year and will throw a dinner party just because.
“I’ve never really felt any tie to, or obligation to, initiate having these types of things–which in my opinion, for me, is really wanting to spend time with the people that you love and care about–to be on a specific date.”
But being more involved in the life of a child has her in a space where she is reevaluating that.
Erica says there is no perfect way to do it because kids are all different and will have different needs when it comes to approaching holidays and myths. Some will be ready to rip the bandage off, some need to ease into it slowly, and others will need more time.
She says it can take some experimentation to figure out the best way to approach it with the children or young people in your life, and that it’s part of a larger conversation with other caregivers and people of influence in those kids’ lives.
“Nobody wants to be that one person who just ruined everything.”
Erica has found some creative ways to keep the myth going, from telling her kids that the Tooth Fairy made a deposit in their debit accounts to Santa dropping off presents for Mommy and Daddy to wrap.
“I’ve done a number of things because in the moment, I might not want to take that from you. And I don’t know what I’m going to unravel at that moment.”
Honoring Indigenous Peoples
Coming back to Thanksgiving, Erica says she has had open conversations with her kids about the real history of colonization and its legacy for Native people, who continue not to get the respect, reparations, and acknowledgment they deserve.
“We choose to claim that day as a way to honor those that were sacrificed and continue to sacrifice…To acknowledge the sacrifices that are made and to use it as an opportunity to show gratitude for what we have.”
India says that when she was a kid, she remembers always having Columbus Day off and that it was celebrated “under the John Smith, Pocahontas, kind of mystical story of falling in love with America and the people here.”
Which is why Erica makes a point of calling Columbus Day, Indigenous People’s Day, and her kids don’t necessarily get the day off.
India points out that it’s now become Columbus Day/Indigenous People’s Day, and that wasn’t widely acknowledged, and now she’s noticed that it’s less common for people to have that day off, even though it’s still a recognized federal holiday.
“It’s like, you gotta go to work, you gotta go to school. You don’t need time off to honor all those people we murdered…It ain’t really a holiday, holiday anymore and this ain’t really that important, is what I feel like that’s saying to people when you don’t give them the day off to actually remember and honor the lives that were lost.”
Consider What You Were Given
Lastly, India acknowledges the work that Erica has done and continues to do as a parent to balance allowing her children to be children with the wider culture they live in while having meaningful conversations about that culture.
Erica says she hopes, “we can continue to figure out how to grow and amplify awareness and spiritual wholeness and mental stability and forethought, and how to constantly figure out what is best for us at any given point, and to reconsider what is given or to whether or not we wanna continue to give it.”
Ready to dive deeper?
When you’re in the process of reconsidering your normal and questioning how your values show up in your life and work, it’s always helpful to have support. The Pause on the Play® Community was designed to foster these kinds of conversations and considerations with office hours, Q&As, community conversations, and resources available to members on the Imperfect Ally® journeys.
Learn more at: pauseontheplay.com/community