83. You’re Not Doing It All And That’s Okay, Keep Going
Summary
DEI work is emotional work. From shame and discomfort to assumed expectations about what’s “good enough,” our feelings can actually prevent us from making the change we wish to be a part of.
In this episode, Erica is joined by her client, Kelsey Murphy of Whiskey & Work, to talk about her allyship journey. They talk about:
The motivation for Kelsey to engage in DEI work,
What it looks like to be an imperfect ally when you hold yourself to perfectionist standards,
The burnout many people experienced after entering this work at a sprint pace, and
How Kelsey’s commitment to allyship is manifesting in her business plans.
Quoted
ERICA COURDAE
“This work is for any and everyone and there isn’t a prerequisite or box you have to check to be there.”
“It’s not about how fast you can run now. It’s a long game.”
“There has to be balance created between what you give and what you keep for yourself.”
“It’s not about being perfect. It’s about simply being in action.”
“You can’t always figure out what you’re unaware of by staying in an echo chamber.”
KELSEY MURPHY
“You think you’re doing all this good stuff; you think you’re an anti-racist and an ally. And then you start to educate yourself more and start to recognize how much you’re not doing.”
“What if we started here? What if we did one thing today instead of feeling like we had to do everything?”
“There was a huge wave of wanting to help and be part of this positive conversation and then it got hard.”
“If you can recognize the things you’re doing today it gives you motivation to do more tomorrow.”
“When you look at that thing and it looks so exciting and then, ‘how am I going to get from where I am now to where I want to be’, that’s where the support comes in.”
After the Episode
Connect with Kelsey on Instagram
Episode Notes
MEET KELSEY MURPHY
On this episode Erica is joined by Kelsey Murphy. Kelsey works with women entrepreneurs who are starting their journey, in their first 1-5 years of business. She also works with Marie Forleo as a coach in her B-School program, helping women who want to move the needle simplify and focus. Kelsey’s podcast, Whiskey & Work, started as an audio file archive for her daughter and has turned into a top-ranked show that tripled her income.
Erica starts the show by acknowledging that we make certain assumptions about what type of people would be on a DEI journey. She points out that someone who calls herself a traditionalist, as Kelsey did, may cause people to assume she would or wouldn’t engage in this work.
Kelsey agrees with that notion. She says when it feels too big or you’re not the right type of person to do the work it’s a non-starter. It’s easy to just go on with your day because you can’t envision what life would look like doing that.
Erica believes in stepping into imperfect allyship in a different way. She says we must anchor the work in some way that’s bigger than ourselves.
WHAT’S YOUR WHY?
When asked what her why is for this work, Kelsey admits that she has many emotions around the topic: empowered, motivated, angry, shameful, confused, and disheartened.
Kelsey’s motivation is thinking about her little girls and the world they’re going to live in.
She shares that the conversations with her children are going to be different than the conversations with Erica’s children. The sense of responsibility that she feels is different. This conversation she references is trying to educate them on what life is like for other people and what our role is standing up for those people.
She believes it’s such a privilege and opportunity to have those conversations with your kids. It’s about creating something that will withstand time, generation after generation. She believes the mindset she cultivates within her family will most definitely ripple out to conversations in their lives.
MAKING IT CONSISTENT WAS A STRUGGLE
Life is just genuinely harder right now. There are more variables and more things you need to be aware of from a livelihood standpoint.
Kelsey says that being able to operate in a more difficult world while still being consistent with a really important conversation that has to do with who you are as humans and as a family is so important.
This dialogue with her starts internally. Kelsey admits to consistently telling herself, “You’re not doing all you can and that’s okay, keep going.” You can feel shame and discomfort and still move forward.
The anti-racism push of 2020 reminded her of how much she wants this to be part of her day-today conversations, of where she donates, of what her family participates in.
At the same time push, push, push leads to burnout.
In the beginning you want to do so much and then there’s the burnout. This year there was a huge wave of wanting to help and be part of this positive conversation and then it got hard. It got complicated. And people got burned out and stopped.
BEING PERFECT VS. DOING A GOOD JOB
Kelsey notes that as entrepreneurs we’re constantly wanting to evolve and achieve. The unfortunate side effect of that is a consistent internal dialogue of “needs improvement.”
When we don’t get everything done on our to-do list, we inadvertently perpetuate the narrative of what we’re NOT doing, not what we ARE doing.
Kelsey says that you think you’re doing all this good stuff; you think you’re an anti-racist and an ally. And then you start to educate yourself more and start to recognize how much you’re not doing.
This is why it’s important to have a short-term strategy and a long-term strategy.
She likens it to wanting to start a business or lose weight. You can have all the excitement and best intentions but if it stops there it won’t ever be part of your lifestyle.
For her, it’s been helpful to write down and recognize the things she is doing and recognizing the difference between wanting to be perfect and appreciating when she’s doing a good job.
Erica follows up by saying there’s no use in only acknowledging what you did wrong. You have to ask where the possibility is to do the best you can in that moment and then ask what’s next.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Just like business planning, Kelsey writes down her short-term and long-term goals and checks in on them at 6-month intervals. One interesting habit she’s created is a 3-year manifesto by asking herself: If I made everything happen that I want, in 3 years what does that look like? The answers to that question guide how she develops her goals and plans out her week. That affects what she does on a daily basis.
Currently she’s asking herself:
What does a new world look like when I’m prioritizing being an ally?
What does that look like for my team?
Whose voices am I amplifying on the podcast?
Where is my money being donated?
What do I talk about with my daughters?
Kelsey’s business has exploded in the last 6 months and because of that her team will be growing in the next 6. This is giving her the opportunity to create space on her team to further the dream of what she wants in 3 years: elevating voices and amplifying opportunities.
Erica points out that this is the point where strategy comes in. It’s where you ask, “What will help me get there?”
As much as it feels like we’ve got to do everything now, we simply can’t. Each action we take models what allyship can look like for others.
Erica says that there’s power in holding space for what feels damn near impossible in this moment and still saying, “I’m still gonna do it.”
When you look at the dream, the vision, the thing that excites you and you ask, “How do I get from here to there?” is when support comes in. Everyone needs support—someone who can show you very quickly what your blind spots are.
This is how Erica can support you too. Reach out to get the conversation started.