158. Supporting Our Children As They Explore Gender and Identity with Mackenzie Dunham
Supporting Exploration
Children should be able to explore their expression and identity as part of growing up.
We don’t know what the children in our lives are experiencing or feeling unless we give them safe spaces to share that with us. We have to be open enough to have the types of conversations that allow them to feel affirmed and safe.
So how do we best support children and prioritize their needs as they navigate their journeys? As adults, how can we do better for the kids in our lives? How can adults deprogram the sometimes harmful ideas and beliefs they grew up with?
Mackenzie Dunham joins Erica for a conversation about what it takes to create supportive, affirming spaces for kids.
Listen on your favorite podcast player or keep reading to learn:
Why we need to normalize therapy from a young age
How parents and caregivers can open conversations about gender identity
Actions parents and caregivers can take to support trans and gender-expansive kids
Meeting Families Where They Are
Mackenzie Dunham is a Clinical Social Worker who has a unique ability to meet both kids and parents right where they’re at and help them come back together to reconnect or foster deeper connection within families. She specializes in working with transgender youth and their families and is highly regarded by clinicians throughout the Pacific Northwest as the “go-to” therapist for this work. Voted class-clown in high school, her sessions often contain the healing powers of laughter, art, and music. She hosts the podcast, Camp Wild Heart, which aims to guide and support families, foster connection, and reduce feelings of isolation for parents of transgender kids.
Therapy Is Necessary
On the Pause on the Play® Podcast, Mackenzie Dunham says that as therapy has become more and more normalized and in some ways accessible since the start of the pandemic, at the same time, therapists are in the unique position of experiencing the collective traumas of the moment at the same time as their clients.
The pandemic, forms of systemic oppression, social and political movements “are all things that are directly impacting our clients in major ways, but they’re also directly impacting us in major ways. And…we also need space to process things.”
And the last two years have created, she says, a greater need than ever for therapy, which far outstrips the number of available therapists in practice.
“We’re trying to figure out how to meet the need while also caring for ourselves. So a lot of us have decreased capacity to do the work, and the demand is just so high.”
Mackenzie says that some of the demand is driven by increased accessibility, with insurance companies extending mental health service coverage to telehealth.
And “also with that two years of downtime and two years of reflection, people were unable to ignore and unable to go numb in the same ways that they have for years and years as we were sort of like go, go, go, go…When you’re forced to slow down, you’re also forced to sort of feel things.”
Normalize Therapy
Erica says that the ways in which so many people have repressed or not addressed their mental health struggles or traumas still creates a crisis of large numbers of people starting to address those issues.
“It makes me wonder how much of it could have been navigated a little bit better had therapy been normalized for many of us at a much younger age.”
Mackenzie says that normalizing therapy at younger ages would definitely have a positive impact, and yet it’s something even she still struggles with as a parent.
“It’s wired in some way or another that there’s something wrong with me as a parent if my kid has to go to therapy. And that’s just not true.”
When it comes to her own children, Erica adds, “I don’t know what it is about who they are and what they need beyond what they choose to share, whether it’s with me or with a therapist. And so I hope to leave that door open as much as possible…You never know what someone needs in reference to their mental health, their identity, the way that they’re processing, if they’re never given the access to ever acknowledge it.”
When it comes to expanded access to mental health care, Mackenzie says there are still significant limitations to how and where she can practice, even via telehealth, as licensing is still a state-by-state process, and that limits what she and other providers can do for trans kids and their families.
And many family members still struggle with the shame and stigma around seeking therapy. “Before we can even get to the work of what brought them into the room, we have to deal with the shame of sitting in the room.”
Foster the Conversation
Erica says that exploring her gender identity was something that not only wasn’t permissible when she was a kid, but it was never part of the conversation. And now, “there are a lot of parents out there that I think want to be able to let their children know that they are supportive of them,” but aren’t sure how to open that conversation.
She asks Mackenzie for her advice on fostering open conversations between parents and children about identity.
Mackenzie says it’s key to cultivate a non-judgmental, inclusive space. Judgment, even about other people, “is a real trust eroder.”
And “I think that gender conversations, just like conversations about racism and white supremacy, really should start at a very, very, very young age.”
With young kids, she says there are now plenty of books available that address gender and gender exploration and difference and variance. “I think if you want to talk about hard things with your kids on a regular basis, I think that children’s books are a magical tool to do it.”
She also recommends regularly talking about gender or queer issues that are not directly related to the family’s experiences, “that creates a signal to your maybe queer child that’s like, oh, okay, we can talk about this.”
Mackenzie continues, “It’s about intentionally trying to create opportunities for your kids to learn and explore and expose themselves to different ideas and ways of living in the world.”
Shift the Paradigms
Erica says that for parents who grew up with very different paradigms of relationships between parents and children, deprogramming those beliefs can be challenging, even as they know they want to do things differently for their kids and be supportive and open as their children explore identity and gender.
Mackenzie suggests that all parents do their own gender work.
“Everybody has a gender journey…But cisgender people have never given themselves permission of even taken a second thought to look at what that is, what are the messages that they’ve received over the course of their life about what it means to a girl or a boy or feminine or masculine.”
She says that adults should consider the messages they received about gender as children if their access to certain things was ever blocked because of their gender, if they were ever forced to wear clothing or hairstyles they didn’t feel comfortable in because of their gender.
“As you do that, a lot of parents then can start to begin to go, oh, I see what this is. This really is a social construct, and you can start to see how that social construct has wired you throughout your life.”
And if your child has come to you and told you that they are trans, Mackenzie says to dig into your resistance points and interrogate why it’s hard for you.
“Dig deeper and deeper into why am I saying no? What am I really saying no to? What do I wish would be happening instead?”
She also notes that having a trans child bumps up against many parents’ people-pleasing tendencies.
“We spend our entire lives trying not to make waves in so many ways, and here’s this kid that’s coming up and they’re saying, ‘guess what? I’m gonna make every wave and you’re gonna have to ride it with me.’”
But it’s also an opportunity that “gives you permission as a parent to also make waves. And I think that’s beautiful if parents are brave enough to do it with them.”
She reminds parents and families that when their child comes out to them, “they’re inviting you to know them in a way that is their most authentic self…And I wish that parents saw that that’s what was happening. I feel like it would feel like more of a gift than it is a burden at that point.”
Ready to Dive Deeper?
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