10. Process As You See Fit
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Hello, hello there, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Pause on the Play. It is amazing to see you here as always, where you are challenged to examine your beliefs, question your predisposed notions and consider realities you may be unfamiliar with in order to understand that they too are real. I am your host and conversation MC for the day, Erica Courdae, here to get the dialogue going.
Do a little bit of a refresher. I feel like sometimes people may be tuning in that aren't as familiar with me, so I'll tell you a little bit about me. As I said, of course, my name is Erica Courdae, I'm a coaching consultant. My area of specialty other than just life in general, because life is fucking real, shit is real, is diversity, equity and inclusion. I like to have people work through what that looks like for them within life and especially within their business, using conversation as a catalyst. As a coach, I like to allow you to have the space to work through awareness that you have to work through your mindset shifts, your evolution, your expansion, your throwing out the things that no longer serve you, as you make space for the new things.
I do this through actually having one on one calls, to in-group calls that are more organizationally based, but the biggest thing is I want you to be able to talk through these things. The biggest barrier to a lot of the hurdles that we're trying to get through is because people just aren't talking, and I'm not here for any of that. We need to talk, we need to have open dialogue, we need to be listening, and there needs to be space to hear what others are saying, so that you can begin to have levels of empathy for what their realities look like, what other parts of the world can unfold into for someone else, because we all have our bubble. We move through our spaces, and that's what we consider "normal" or standard, and that's not necessarily the case.
Learning what other people have to go through on a regular basis. What are the types of things that they experience, that they think, that they feel?
Being able to work through those things, gives you a place if you are working through privilege, and you are working to be an imperfect ally, because I do not believe allyship is a goal. I don't believe allyship ... it's an action, it's a verb, it needs to be something that you're doing. We are humans, being, not doing, so you're doing this, yes, technically you're doing. Yes, I said that.
This is something that is an action. This is a part of how you show up, so allyship is a part of how you're showing up, how you use your words, how you use your privilege, what are the actions that you're taking to be able to advocate in a situation where someone else's voice isn't heard in the way that yours could be. Or to be able to amplify theirs, because you're now adding to the chorus, may have someone listening that wasn't before. Just that little bit of a check-in there.
I want to talk about emotional labor, and I want to talk about how there's two sides to this coin, and the type of work that I do, and what triggered this was, there's a young lady that I follow online, Hailey Jacobson, and I like the fact that she's an amazing poet, but what she does is, she uses her words in a way that is just awe inspiring to me, and she talks a lot about things that are very honest and raw, and she's showing a lot of vulnerability.
She had a post that I reposted and it talked about really creating boundaries around how people interact with you when you share things, because sometimes you share something and now the door is open for people to hop in and almost stick their finger in, which is kind of the challenge when this is an ongoing thing that maybe you're working through. People mean well, that being said,
intent does not erase impact, so what it triggered for me is that it really is important to have these boundaries around what you share, how you share, and how you want people to share with you.
It brought up for me this thought around, when you are working through your process, and you're becoming an imperfect ally, or what you would consider being an imperfect ally, because again, this is something that you can be that now, because you just simply need to start.
Again, like I've told you before, don't be an ass. It's not like a, "Oh, I screwed up, I'm imperfect," don't be a jerk about it. But when you are showing up, and you are being in this way, it can bring up vulnerability for the person that is doing the work, from the sense of when you first start, I would imaging that it's painful. I would imagine that it is very ... it almost feels like you're stripping away things, and you can feel naked, and it can be jarring.
There's something to be said about when you are on your journey, being able to consider what does it look like for you to possibly put your finger in the wound of somebody that has to experience racial, or gender, or religious pain and trauma on a regular basis? And how you don't want to come off insensitive, and just bust through, and, "Well, I want to talk more about that." You need to find out what your boundaries are.
But on the flip side, if you are working on being an ally, and being an imperfect ally, then it may be something that's triggering for you as well, and you are allowed to have those feelings. You are not allowed to take those out on other people, but it is okay to draw boundaries for yourself when maybe you do need to go quiet for a second, maybe you do need to go inward just a little bit.
I actually do want people to, as they're listening to this, I would love for you to come over to Instagram, and tell me about how did your journey start? How did you begin on the path of working through privilege and saying that I no longer want to be a passive participant, unfortunately for some people, it was an active participant, but I say passive in that you may not have known how many things you were cosigning just by being the way that you were, and not understanding the impact of that.
But when you say, "I no longer want to do this, I can see this now, and I can't unsee it, and I don't want to just leave it there." When you do that, how did that start for you? Did you start with someone that really just needed to shake you up, then you decided like, "Okay, this now is putting me in a shame spiral, and I don't want to do this." Or did you start with someone that maybe was ... maybe allowed you to be slightly more passive, and you needed a little bit more of an aggressive approach to it?
I'm just curious where you are, where did you start? And that's if you are really to share that, because again, I want to talk about that. I am not here to shame. I do not ever operate from a place of I am going to shame you. I think that is counter-productive and counter-intuitive to anything that I am trying to accomplish, so that will never happen in this space, and I don't allow other people to come into my space and bring that type of toxicity into it. That's an absolutely no-go, so you won't have to worry about that.
This is literally me just wondering, how do you begin your process of, "I want to learn what I don't know, and how I could be better. I want to unlearn and dismantle these ideals that I was given that I can see not only don't work for me and don't serve me, but that are hurtful, and painful, and detrimental, and dangerous to other people. What does that look like? And what does your path look like?
I'm very curious as you are going on this path, what does it look like for you to draw boundaries? What does it look like for you to say,
"I don't want this type of energy around me anymore."
Or what does it look like to have to put some people on pause as you're working through, because you just can't with them? And that happens. It happens in life, outside of having to take a journey to imperfect allyship, this is just an amplifier for it.
I think one I would love to know, but I think it's also very helpful for you to understand, how you need to work through this process, so you can stay whole, and you can stay intact as well, because you're not helpful to anyone that you think that you are trying to support if you are broken from the process. You are not supporting the cause. If you are shot to shingles, because emotionally, you are a wreck, and you are not processing and allowing yourself the space when you're like, "Shit, this is what I've been doing?" It's not easy.
To say, "Yeah, this is what I've been doing, it's not okay, and I want to be better, and I know the people that were dealing with it, it was absolutely not okay or easy for them." It's still okay for you to be able to say, "I still got a process, because I can't be an ass, because now I'm bringing my trauma of working through my process of needing to be better." So if you need to draw boundaries around some things in order to kind of protect yourself, that's okay. Just be aware that it doesn't shut you off from taking in the impact of things that maybe you're still doing, or maybe things that you're working through, and it's a part of the learning curve of what you're experiencing and how you're working through it, so don't shut yourself off to be understanding, but be okay to say, "I am dismantling and healing myself, so that I can be better for those that I want to use my voice privilege and platform to advocate for."
Just kind of my thoughts. I'm sitting on a random Tuesday. It's a beautiful day, so I guess maybe I'm feeling clear and this just really came up for me. I want you to have some take-aways, come over and share them with me, have this conversation, and if there's any way that I can support you in your growth, I want you to know that that is what I do. I want to hold space for your evolution and your expansion. When you want to be better with how your business can serve and support,
I am here to hold space for you to have that awareness. I am here to support you through this process. You do not have to do it alone. You should not do it alone. Listen, talk about it, tell me about it.
Pause on a Play is one iteration of how we use conversation to create connection. Our one on one calls, is another. This is where you can get support on how your beliefs and values around diversity, equity and inclusion, are showing up for your business. How you vote with your dollars, how you are sharing your message to let people know that you curated a space with them in mind, that you want to talk with them and hold space with them to have a seat at the table.
Hop on over to ericacourdae.com today, and register for a complimentary tea time chat. These are our connection calls, so we can hop on, discuss your needs, and create a plan of action that's personalized for your brand to further it's evolution.
The conversations we have here are to normalize the challenging things and make them a part of your normal exchanges. This is how we remove stigma and create real change and connection, cross lines and recreate boundaries to support, not separate.
If you enjoyed this podcast, show me some love by subscribing, sharing it with a friend, or leaving us a review. Reviews are the fuel to keep the podcast engine going. Let's get more people dropping the veil and challenging their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Speaking of keeping it going, if you don't already follow and engage with us over on Instagram @ericacourdae, come on over there and do that. I really want to talk with you, so DM me and let's do this.
I love being here and creating the bridge for you to walk over to become the change that you want to see. Join us next time, and until then, keep the dialogue going. Bye.