108. Who is Your Outrage on Behalf Of?
Summary
You’re fired up! But who, exactly, is that rage on behalf of? Erica and India unpack the myriad issues lurking beneath heaps of social outrage carried out in the name of advocacy for underrepresented or marginalized communities. What can imperfect allies do to prevent creating more harm than good? Get curious about their motivations before slinging unsolicited vitriol! Erica offers three questions to help folks evaluate rather than act on impulse.
In this discussion:
Why allyship is not a self-centering pursuit
Checking assumptions about what marginalized communities want and/or need
Is your anger justified or just personal?
What the woke white wave gets wrong about calling each other out
Communicating empathy over sympathy
Keep The Dialogue Going
Gather the tools you need to support communities and strengthen your imperfect allyship at Pause On The Play The Community..
Catch up on these related POTP discussions:
Article
What’s up with folks getting upset on behalf of others? While you may think unsolicited outrage in the name of advocacy furthers the cause, Erica says the result is often more harmful than helpful. Course correction comes only when imperfect allies recognize the difference between honest and obtrusive support.
“I think they think they're being empathetic. They're actually being a-sympathetic,” India says, noting that the phenomenon doesn’t only occur in instances related to race. People lend their performative anger in all sorts of situations, from sexual trauma to gender expression, making those who’ve experienced the injustice feel less empowered. “I didn't get to the point to say that I am a survivor to still be treated like I'm in the victim place,” India says.
Other People’s Outrage
Other people’s outrage shows up in way too many places way too often. Part of the issue is that people prioritize their reactions to a situation, or their own feelings, rather than letting it be about you. Much of social media operates this way. Commenters center their experiences instead of getting curious about a caption or issue and asking further questions or pausing to conduct simple research. Case and point, there was a photo that Erica posted just before the pandemic forced everyone into lockdown. The caption about emotional wounds still being wounds drew comments from people attaching some perceived traumas that were not an issue. “When we start to communicate with somebody else from a place of assumption,” India says, “you are guaranteed to make an ass out of you and out of me.”
“There's a lot of pressure and necessity of others to distort the lens of what's actually happening to someone else,” Erica agrees, explaining that this rush to center your feelings, comments, or actions comes at great expense to marginalized and underrepresented folks. Being an ally is not self-focused.
Examining Your Motivation
No one is discrediting your good intentions. No one doubts that your heart is in the right place. But without self-reflection, your advocacy is lacking authenticity. “Ask yourself if what you're about to say is based on assumptions and, if so, why are you making a statement?” India says. “Maybe you can ask a question instead.”
We saw this happening after the hate crimes and the shootings in Atlanta and how it impacted the AAPI community. A lot of people took it as a moment to talk about themselves rather than allowing the moment to be for the AAPI community and the dialogue led by those truly affected. “That does not mean that you leave them on their own to fight their own battles,” Erica clarifies. Instead, she urges imperfect allies to step aside and check that they’re not commandeering narratives that belong to others. “We saw the same thing happening last year after the murder of George Floyd, with the black square and the amplifying of Black and Brown voices and how it quickly became ‘let me talk about myself,’” she says.
Let this discussion serve as a reminder that supporting somebody else does not mean that you center yourself. And for those who only know how to provide aggressive support, Erica says, “Don't protect me as your reason to be an asshole, please.”
There are quite a few people out there who use social outrage as their outlet for their anger, and too many white women, AKA the woke white wave, use it as a way to police one another. “Just to be clear, I didn't ask you to do that. I did not ask for that. Nobody asks you to do that. You are showing outrage where, in some cases, there is none.” Again, it's not helpful. This is not what allyship is.
“Imperfect allyship,” she continues, “does not mean to be out here, cussing folks out and telling them about themselves from the East to the West, because you have found a reason to be upset and decided to make it an issue for the people that it actually is an issue for, and you’re gonna pick up your megaphone while you do it and make sure that it comes through your lens. Wrong answer.”
Questions & Conversation Prompts
India suggests revisiting POTP105: Focus on the Right Things. “When shit happens, people will start policing each other instead of actually doing anything to help the communities that they say they want to help,” she says, adding, “you arguing with another white woman doesn't do anything to change my lived experience.”
In POTP103: Four Questions to Ask When You’re Feeling Outraged, Erica offers additional tools to aid imperfect allies with their critical self-examination. “I'll say, question number five to add to that is, have the people in the demographic that you are currently outraged for expressed to you that they are outraged about the problem that's bothering you?” India asks.
Using Erica’s questions as prompts for private journaling or points of conversation allows allies to objectively evaluate their motivations versus staying in their heads, entwined in emotion.
#1 - Is the person you’re advocating for upset, or are you upset? If you are upset, why are you upset, and who are you upset for? Because if you’re upset on behalf of someone who’s not upset, “we might need to talk about that because that's a whole thing,” Erica says. “If I am not advocating for you to be upset for me, don't put that on me and say, ‘you're mad at me because blah, blah, blah!’ No. If Black women did not tell you to go after your white friends, don't. Stop it.” Especially if you’re calling your folks out loudly, publicly.
India puts it another way. “Don't bring your sorry and sympathy to people that don't seem like they want people to feel sorry for them. That actually can be harmful.”
#2 - Am I addressing the issue, or am I creating the issue through my lens? If you feel as though there's something that you need to address, to speak on, to take action on, is this the actual thing, or did you decide to insert your viewpoint and distortion of it through your experiences? “Because let's be clear,” Erica says, “we all have our own way of storing things because we are coming with our own preconceived notions. We all have it. There's no way of getting away from that, okay? But have you and your own personal distortion created an issue that is now not the issue that we started with, because now you’re mad about something, and that's not even a thing anymore?” Genuine injustices aren’t a game of telephone to be played; they impact people’s lives.
It’s worthwhile to pause and question whether your lens distorts the way you see the issue. India reminds audiences that, “It’s really asking yourself why are you making the choice to share your original perspective instead of amplifying the voice of others?” She’s not saying that both perspectives aren’t valued, but if you haven't already amplified the voices of those affected, then why are you resorting to putting your lens on the situation?
#3 - Are you harming others in the name of protecting me? “If you are out here creating havoc because you are trying to defend or protect me,” Erica says, “but you're actually exacerbating the problem, you need to acknowledge that you are a troublemaker and not the good trouble kind.”
India adds that evaluating the level of havoc you’re creating is not always an easy task. “You may not be able to do that clearly on your own,” she says. “This is where working with a DEI consultant comes in.”
“This is where not living in the echo chamber of your head and figuring this all out by yourself comes into play,” says Erica, noting that it’s natural to feel as though you have more questions than answers. “But this is where you should not stay in your head and try to figure it out by yourself.”
Find a community that supports your growth. There are some times when underrepresented and marginalized communities do need allies to wreak havoc, to disrupt. But the nuances between creating a meaningful impact and centering your misguided outrage can be difficult to assess without that outside assistance.
India offers a parting suggestion as you prepare to engage with Erica’s prompts. “Ask more questions before you start writing responses, please.”
Quoted
Erica Courdae
“Being an ally is not self-focused.”
“Supporting somebody else does not mean that you center yourself.”
“It is natural to feel as though you have more questions, but this is where you should not stay in your head and try to figure it out by yourself.”
India Jackson
“I didn't get to the point to say that I am a survivor to still be treated like I'm in the victim place.”
“When we start to communicate with somebody else from a place of assumption, you are guaranteed to make an ass out of you and out of me.”
“Don't bring your sorry and sympathy to people that don't seem like they want people to feel sorry for them. That actually can be harmful.”