104. Do Your Associations Reflect Your Values?
Summary
Here we are again: another Black man murdered; more excuses made on behalf of the “fine, upstanding” officer who pulled the trigger. This latest tragedy begs the question how big are the blinders that prevent folks from taking an accurate measure of their family members, friends, or peers?
In this solo conversation, Erica offers steps for auditing our personal and professional connections. She reminds us that passive affiliations are just as important as those we actively cultivate - and “not knowing” someone’s temperament or true character is no longer an option.
In this discussion:
Attention focused on Minnesota, again
Calling out institutional gatekeepers
Confronting your complicit associations
Three questions to help you assess your connections
Keep The Dialogue Going
We do this deep work daily here at Pause On The Play. You can too. We love being able to cross lines and recreate boundaries with you, supporting you and not keeping us separated. Let's continue together, getting more people to drop the veil and challenge their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Our From Implicit to Explicit masterclass is coming up. If you want to work directly with Erica and India Jackson - as well as your very own small-group cohort - to audit your personal and professional connections, define your values, and create lasting change, join us over at PauseOnThePlay.com/events.
Article
So, last week we concentrated on what to do next when shit happens - because there was some shit happening, and it seemed like some of the conversations were very focused on the actions and the outrage and less about what to do next. Erica received great feedback on that conversation (thanks to you all), and then…
Fuck shit. Different fuck shit, but still fuck shit. Look no further than Minneapolis, MN (again). As Erica points out, “being a few weeks into the trial for the police officer that murdered George Floyd, and then there's another police officer in Minnesota that thought [she] grabbed a taser, but actually grabbed [her] gun and it accidentally - supposedly - discharged. And, yet another Black man is dead.”
“I don't know what's going on in Minnesota,” she continues, “but the police are holding the flame dangerously close to this powder keg. Seriously.”
Then the video from a traffic stop in Virginia was released. In it, the motorist, another Black man, clearly says, “I am afraid.” The responding officer yells at him, “You should be!” This is not how any public servants should respond to anyone who expresses fear at that moment - hell, even if they don’t verbalize that anxiety!
“Hearing him say he’s serving this country and being told [by the responding officer], ‘Yeah? I served this country too, and I learned to obey!’ Dogs obey. And the fact that that was even said to this grown man was a level of disrespect that I could not wrap around anything. Like, my brain was like, what the hell?!” Erica reminds folks that the motorist was sitting in his car with his hands up. He was unarmed.
We’re Not Here For Your Isolated Incidents Or Bad Days
“Part of what I'm seeing happening, I feel like it's being reflected in day-to-day life because when I see officers that treat people like this, part of what comes up in my head, it's like, how did you get to this point to have a badge and a gun? Who let you in? Who said, yes, this is an upstanding person; let's let you do this, you know?”
How is it that we have people in charge who are voted into office, who have the kind of ethics that sanction or perpetuate violence against Black and Brown folks without facing prosecution? Who are these people who actually talk off murders and hate crimes as just a consequence of someone’s “bad day”? Erica asks, “who is putting people in positions of power and influence and not saying, ‘eh, maybe this person ain’t the person we should have doing this?’”
Yes, there's a whole system that has for centuries put these people in place. “However, I think that there's also a lot of, almost like a ‘let's not ask and then they won't tell us, and we can't tell them no’ kind of thing happening,” she says, “and that's where I'm seeing regular people reflecting these things.” So, what's going on when routine traffic stops, wellness checks, or warrant searches escalate into assault or murder? Why do people suddenly seem stunned by their patrol partner’s or neighbor’s violent actions?
You’ve heard the responses before: Oh, they were such a nice person, or I thought they were fine! “The interesting thing to me is, you know, whenever there's police officers on trial literally or figuratively for their actions, there's always someone that's like, ‘Oh, well, they, you know, they were really good at their job. They were a great person. They're a family man or family woman or, you know, individual,’” Erica says. “And, I kind of felt like I was seeing and hearing similar things, you know, in the conversations that sparked last week's conversation that I brought to you because I'm kind of getting this, like, ‘Oh, well, I, you know, they were a good person. They were my friend.’ And I'm like, you need better friends! You need to have better people around you! Who is vetting these folks? Who was the gatekeeper here? Who was saying, ‘yes, they'll make it, let them in?’”
We’ve Been Here Before
Erica asked these questions in the last discussion, but they bear repeating. “I need you to really think about how some of these things are happening and where you're complicit in this because I am so confuddled right now, and I don't get it.”
Even more frustrating is the inability of some folks to answer those questions - or even consider them in the first place. “People aren't even thinking about it. And I want to start with just the fact of like, who are you connected to and why? There is no reason that we should have somebody in a position of power or influence, and we don't know who you're connected to and why, because then it's like, ‘Oh, this person has ties to this; they believe in this. This is what they support.’”
These days, it feels like people just throw out standard responses without conducting their own investigation. “Long gone are the days of aligning yourself with strangers that have unknown ethics. You can't do that anymore. There was a time when somebody just being a good person was enough; somebody just being an upstanding citizen in public was enough. That doesn't fly anymore because we are seeing what happens when people are quote-unquote upstanding in public and trash and private.”
If you don't know these people, please stop caping for these people. Please. Stop caping for these people. Please stop amplifying and supporting and funding these people by saying, ‘Hey, go give them your money and go buy their stuff. Go hire them. Give them a job.’ Nope. “There is a point to where shitty behavior? You get what you get!” Erica says. “Why are you supposed to get the benefits of living your life right and supporting other people and standing in the way of other people's literal lives being able to be maintained? Like, you get in the way of those things, and yet, you're still supposed to thrive, but they can't? Nope!”
Are these relationships intentional or unintentional connections? Erica asks you to consider the people in your social, peer, or business spaces, “if this is someone who you’re being affiliated with if this is somebody that, when your name comes up, or your reputation comes up, this person is like, ‘Oh yeah, I know that person; that person reminds me of so-and-so.’ Or, ‘Oh yeah, they're just like, blah, blah, blah.’” Are these affiliations conscious efforts on your part or are the connections by default? Even if forged by default, “you don't get to escape that because we have seen online what happens when people in your circle do fuck shit and then you get pulled into it.” That’s when the excuses flow. Sorry, but now you gotta deal with it.
Get Better Friends
Erica returns to that central question. Are we intentionally or unintentionally in some way, shape, or form connected to people we don't wish to be connected to? “If that's what's happening, you need to work on that.” Do you genuinely know the people you’re associated with? If the answer’s no, then how did this connection come about? “If you do know them, refer back to you might need some better folks around you.”
You need some better friends. You need some better cohorts. You need some better peers. “You need to do better because if you have people around you that are behaving in specific ways that you say go against your values and your ethics and what you believe in, but you don't change who you have around you, you don't change your affiliation with them, guess what? Apparently, birds of a feather do flock together - and you're going to have to deal with that.” If that's not the position you want to be in, you need to get clear on your values and whether or not the people around you reflect those principles.
Do your associations reflect what you say you believe in or what you're against? Erica phrases the question this way because, “if you keep them around, that’s saying something.” Suppose you’re serious about distancing yourself from questionable folks. In that case, you need to decide what side of the fence you’re on because, as Erica explains, “if you unintentionally let it be chosen for you, you might not like that choice.”
Check Your Connections
Are you on the side that has you silently objecting, afraid to voice your dissent, or to turn anyone away?
Think about the long-term effects of your silence for a moment. Part of the reason we’re witnessing our justice system struggle is that so few individuals want to challenge the status quo. “Nobody is actually coming up and saying, ‘Yeah, that goes against everything that we're here for; we're not doing that,’” Erica says, drawing a through-line between this lack of meaningful objection and the weak excuses applied to the officers who are out there killing Black and Brown folks. “And, then you don't understand why people are upset, like me because when you look at me, I'm immediately a threat to you - but you're the one with the gun. My skin is such a threat. Nope. Nope. Nope!”
Not sure where to begin your personal or professional connection inventory? Here’s a recap of Erica’s top three questions to ask yourself:
Who are you connected to and why?
Is this an intentional or unintentional connection?
Do you genuinely know these people?
We really can't think of a space in life where these questions don’t apply; we're watching them play out around us in business, online, in our social circles. We're watching them play out with the justice system and in politics.
Erica reminds us that “you can't always play the victim and say, ‘I didn't know!’” At some point, people are going to ask, why didn’t you know? “You're not going to be able to use that excuse forever. So don't wait until you get called on it, and you can't get out. This is why it's so important to know your values. When you don't know, you can't answer these questions.”
Check your connections. Who do you want to be associated with? Who or what do you want to lend your influence to? Who or what do you support - or not?
“Gone are the days of passively aligning yourself with strangers that have unknown ethics,” she says. “You can't do it anymore.” And, If you're not quite sure how then ask for help. “You need to figure out what needs to happen for you in order to get clear on what your ethics and your values are, what are your values that govern everything you do, how you process information, how you move through life.”
Set aside time to explore the emotions and challenges that these questions provoke. And, if you feel fuzzy on them, take some time to figure out why those issues come up. “Giving yourself space to consider why is a huge part of being able to challenge things that just don't make sense anymore, and being able to figure out how you can take your day-to-day life and make it a part of creating real change.”
Quoted
Erica Courdae
“Apparently, birds of a feather do flock together - and you're going to have to deal with that.”
“Gone are the days of passively aligning yourself with strangers that have unknown ethics.”