Allies to One Another

We can be Imperfect Allies® to people who live, look, and love like us, as well as to those who are demographically different from us.

Imperfect Allyship® is acknowledging your platform, your privilege, or your access and choosing to use that to positively impact others.

What shows up to support Black Women when they give and receive Imperfect Allyship® from each other from within their communities? What do they need when those who are different from them on paper want to support them?

Paula Edgar joins Erica for a dynamic conversation about what can happen when Black women are allies to one another and Paula’s passion for supporting and prioritizing Black women.

Listen on your favorite podcast player or keep reading to learn:

• How Imperfect Allies® within the Black community can use institutional and situational privilege to support other Black people

• How reparenting themselves and receiving mentorship can help Black women get comfortable with receiving support

• Why Black women need advocacy and allyship from each other

• What non-Black Imperfect Allies® can do to make change for Black women

Development and Allyship

Paula T. Edgar, Esq. is CEO of PGE Consulting Group LLC, a firm that provides training and education solutions at the intersection of professional development and diversity, equity, and inclusion.

Paula is an engaging keynote speaker and facilitator, conducting live and virtual presentations for clients across industries using her Engage Your Hustle™ method. Paula develops customized programming, and her areas of diversity expertise include unconscious bias, inclusive leadership, and allyship. Her professional development skill set includes personal branding, relationship building, and mentor/sponsor best practices.

Paula received her B.A. in Anthropology from California State University, Fullerton, and her J.D. from the City University of New York School of Law.

Imperfect Allyship® Within the Black Community

On the Pause on the Play® podcast, Paula Edgar says that Imperfect Allyship® shows up in many ways in the Black community as a whole and that “even though systemically and institutionally we are often without what is perceived as privilege, we do have privilege within our spaces and that means that we…can stand up for one another in many ways.”

She continues, “yes, we have different experiences, and we are not a monolith, [but] we have to connect with each other…it’s also that we are intersectional.”

She says that varying intersections of Blackness and other forms of identity, like gender and sexuality, allow members of the community to have varying levels of institutional or situational privilege that they can use.

“All of those things go into the space of Imperfect Allyship® and how it shows up in our community.”

Erica agrees and says, “when we’re able to see ourselves with a certain amount of interdependence, regardless of the intersectionality of our identities, it really does make a big difference in how we are not only aware of what that support can and does need to be, but also the part that we play in it and the giving and receiving conduit of it all.”

Paula adds that disconnects within the Black community are fostered and upheld by white supremacy, where it shows up as classism and colorism as well.

“A part of how white supremacy works is to separate us because that keeps us not powerful…When I think about allyship, it has to be that understanding our connectivity to each other and knowing that wherever we have those spaces of privilege, we have to use it to support each other.”

Advocating for Black Women

Erica says that for Black women and femmes, “there’s this additional support that is needed because so much of the support we are often supplying, and we need our own reserves filled.”

She asks Paula why she is personally passionate about prioritizing Black women in her work and life.

Paula replies, “I have been modeled…strong Black women my entire life…I don’t know who Paula is without the strength of Black women.”

She points particularly to her relationship with her late mother as a guidepost for how she thinks about prioritizing Black women.

She continues, “When I think about how this country and our community thinks about Black women…we are the go-to folks, right? We are the ones who hold the weight of everything on our shoulders.”

And all too often, Black women aren’t able to fill their own cups after giving their strength and support to others. “How do we make sure that together we build up that who and that what in order to make sure that we stay strong and are not depleted?”

She uses her allyship and privilege to help other Black women understand how powerful they are and can be in structures and systems where they often aren’t made to feel powerful.

And that carries over to her own self-talk. “Because I’m a Black woman, I have to model what I want for myself…because, for such a long time, I did not feel that powerful voice, that ability to speak up on behalf of Black women, on behalf of myself, and then to not just encourage, but to demand that others do the same thing.”

Learning to Give and Receive Support

Erica says that “the way that we are reared and the support structures that knowingly or unknowingly model what’s possible…It can be a part of the process to figure out what does supporting someone that looks like me actually mean?”

Paula agrees and says that her childhood experiences, like her mother telling her she was special from a very young age, imbued her with power and confidence in ways that not everyone gets access to through their parents.

“I had this confidence as a young child that [for] so many of us it’s made to be like, you cannot have that.”

She says that when Black girls and women don’t have those experiences at home, “you see lots of folks go astray because we’re looking for it from someplace else.”

Her parents also placed a strong emphasis on education both in the classroom and at home through reading, trips to museums, and other family outings.

“[It] made me understand that while school is fantastic, that much of your education comes from experiences and connection and is fostered through those pipelines of love.”

Erica says it’s important to acknowledge the benefits of experiencing parenting as Paula did as a child because “this is where sometimes without some of those formative pieces being in place, or having the opportunity to fill back in if they weren’t there early in life, can shift how we perceive ourselves, how we interact with others, what those relationships and those dynamics look like.”

Paula says those formative experiences of having imperfect parents trying to do better than their imperfect parents carry forward in how she approaches her own parenting and mentorship today.

“I think part of good mentoring is parenting. And I am strategic about, ‘what did you have? Who lifted you up? Were you lifted up?’ And being able to then try to fill in some of those pieces too, because it is never too late to love somebody.”

Exercises in Empathy

For Imperfect Allies®, outside of the Black community, Paula says, “Allyship is a journey. It’s not a destination. You’re never going to one day be like: I’m an ally. Done. Check.”

For people who want to support Black women, she says to start with self-education. Pop culture or “one good friend who’s a Black woman…doesn’t give you insight into the experience of all Black women.”

She emphasizes taking opportunities to listen to Black women. “Oftentimes, I’m in conversation with folks who are so well-meaning…[but] in order to get to that place of being on the path to allyship; you have to listen, you have to hear what is needed, you have to hear the experiences.”

She suggests that allies who are used to being in the dominant or majority group use tricks like sitting on their hands, writing down their responses, and waiting to speak, “make it uncomfortable so that you realize that you are in this space of not being able to do what you would normally do.”

She continues, “If you understand that that experience of being tamped down and not being able to have your voice heard is one that is heard by marginalized and underrepresented and under-resourced groups all the time…get into the practice of waiting and hearing, listening better…[and] hearing thoughtfully, hearing empathetically, hearing inclusively…makes you a better person and it makes you a better ally.”

For people who are used to being the dominant voice in the room, it can feel like losing something to learn to actively listen and not use their voices, but Paula says “you’re gaining so much from the experience…The exercise is being done to show you a little bit of the experience of feeling less than, of also being restrained, of all those other pieces that Black women are constantly experiencing.”

She also suggests thinking about a Black woman in their workplace and asking, “What can you do to shift this person’s experience in the workplace? What can you do to provide some of the access, the power, [the] privilege to amplify their name and their experience?...Think, what is my sphere of influence, and within that sphere, what can I give?”

Make a Commitment

Paula says the first step on a journey to Imperfect Allyship® is to “commit to getting uncomfortable.”

She says allyship has to be uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to make the necessary shifts; it’s uncomfortable to understand and acknowledge the ease your privilege has afforded you and that disparate treatment happens with people who don’t belong to the same demographic groups you do.

“You have to get uncomfortable. And that discomfort starts with learning. When you understand, oh my goodness, this is how it is for y’all. That’s the beginning.”

Ready to Dive Deeper?

Imperfect Allyship® requires you to get clear on your values and take action in alignment with what matters to you.

Every person you hire, and every business you buy from brings you closer to or further away from your values. To get support in clarifying what matters so you can chart a course that prioritizes the impact you want to create, sign up for the From Implicit to Explicit Masterclass.

Learn more at pauseontheplay.com/explicit

Connect with Paula Edgar:

• PGE Consulting

• Twitter: @PaulaEdgar

• Connect with Paula on LinkedIn