107. Normalizing Same-Sex Parenting and Adoption in the Classroom with Steve Disselhorst
Summary
Erica and India are back with guest Steve Disselhorst to explore the simple, creative ways that educators and allies can build more inclusive school environments where same-sex parenting and adoption are normalized. As a specialist in personal and professional leadership development and consulting for diversity, equity, and inclusion, Steve brings a wealth of career-based knowledge to the conversation. However, his role as father to two adoptive children is at the heart of the experiential wisdom he shares with Erica and India.
Steve is the author of the memoir Determined To Be Dad: A Journey Of Faith, Resilience, and Love and currently serves on the San Mateo County LGBTQ Commission. This is more than an anecdotal conversation; this is a lesson in cultivating DEI for generations to come.
In this discussion:
Recognizing and celebrating intersectional identities at home and school
What is heterosexism, and how does it undermine DEI
Why visibility is essential both within marginalized communities and outside of them
Creating collaborative environments in schools
COVID-19 effects on DEI activities within school systems
What allies can do today to foster more inclusive classrooms within their communities
Keep The Dialogue Going
Get Steve's book at your local bookstore or from his website, Determined To Be Dad: A Journey Of Faith, Resilience, and Love. https://www.stevedisselhorst.com/book
Gather the tools you need to support communities and strengthen your imperfect allyship at Pause On The Play The Community.
Article
Steve Disselhorst, author of the memoir Determined To Be Dad: A Journey Of Faith, Resilience, and Love, joins Erica and India in this conversation about normalizing same-sex parenting and adoption. Steve brings a great deal of lived experience and context to the conversation as a member of the LGBTQ community, a DEI specialist, and, most importantly, as an adoptive dad of two.
Meet Steve Disselhorst
"I'm an author, a leadership coach, and a diversity equity and inclusion consultant. And, my most important job is I'm a gay dad of two adopted children," Steve says by way of introduction. "That's sort of the center of my world, and everything else revolves around my two kids and raising them and their lives."
He currently serves on the San Mateo County LGBTQ Commission as well. Each of these identities coalesces to inform Steve's unique vantage point, as Erica points out. "Whenever you're in the space of DEI, it does give you a different perspective when you're not just speaking to something anecdotally. You're speaking from experience; you're in it. This is your reality. I think it's important to be able to acknowledge how that really does play into tempering the work that you do."
Steve agrees. His identity as a gay man and having been “othered” growing up have shaped how he shows up in the world as well as how he interacts with those who are marginalized or underrepresented. “It's in that light that I try to find a commonality with other communities,” he says, “and identify with their experience, even though I can't understand their impression. That really is an important part of my being and my work."
Common Threads: Heterosexism and Passing
It's impossible to ignore the impact that assumed heterosexuality has on Steve's life and the family he has created. For those who may not have encountered the term before, Steve offers his own definition, rooted in the rigid belief that a man and women are the only acceptable foundation for a family. Heterosexism erases families like his that exist outside that model, dictating everything from school policies to storylines in children’s books. “In most of the books that you will find, it's mom and dad," Steve explains, with mom generally at the center of the dynamic and dad in more of a supportive role. "So, your children are introduced to that very early."
Heterosexism exists beyond books, of course. "That's really the system we live in," Steve asserts. From his experience, it’s widely assumed that everyone is heterosexual unless stereotypical outward cues signal differently (think: an effeminate man automatically being labeled queer or gay). “That's something that, you know, I face - we as queer people face - on a daily basis." While not yet mainstream, Steve has seen indicators that a cultural shift is taking place in support of a more diverse representation of parenting, especially in popular media. “A lot more queer celebrities that are having children," he says, adding, "but again, they're the exception, right? And they're sort of an anomaly and something that we celebrate in the community.”
In terms of blanket assumptions, Steve acknowledges that he and his family are pretty lucky as they reside in the Bay area where residents generally accept that “family” isn’t so narrowly defined. Pulling a wider focus, however, he points out that “there's a lot of areas within this country and then around the world where this is just really considered an anomaly, right? And, in many cases, it's impossible, right? So that's where it's important to be open and visible for others to see."
The aggressive nature of heterosexualism is accompanied by the issue of passing - both of which intersect with visibility, the struggle to remain authentic within someone else’s myopic, binary view of parenting. Many will connect the term "passing" to the Jim Crow era, when light-skinned Black folks passed for white - not because they wanted to, but because of an assumption made based on the lightness of their skin," The term isn’t often associated with preconceived sexuality or gender expectations. "This idea of passing," Steve says, "what's so troubling for the individual is it's like the other person is looking in at you and assuming you're either white or you're straight. And then there's an inflection point where, like, you have to have this truth to yourself, like, do I speak up? Do I actually correct them? Do I speak my truth?"
That internal dilemma extends outward when you're a parent. "There's a component of, like, I need to show them, like, what it means to be honest and open,” Steve says, “about who we are.”
From Assumptions to Awareness
As the father of two adopted children, Steve has had to navigate situations based on well-meaning assumptions almost from the day he brought his children home, struggling at those moments to balance macro and micro needs. "I have this moment to teach these folks about adoption, right? And then there's also this moment of inflection as she got older," he says, "I was sitting there going, what are her needs?" He wondered how his sharing his daughter’s adoption story made her feel. "It's really complicated, right? Like, the consideration of your child and their feelings and how they're going to react to the situation, and how you want to show up for yourself."
As his daughter has got older, Steve has stopped explaining the family dynamic to others while remaining completely transparent and open for his children. All questions about their adoption are on the table. “I don't want to put her in a situation where she feels like less than,” he says, because of something he’s expressed on her behalf. This cognitive empathy allows him to balance a desire to publicly advocate with the need to prioritize the emotional wellbeing of his children.
Today, Steve conducts activities and conversations related to his daughter - her school, her adoption, and her having two dads - away from her, with the necessary people, letting his “papa instinct” inform his decisions. “It's not putting her on the spot, but it's giving them the information and explaining it.” In that way he’s providing her with the autonomy she needs to share the details of her unique family when she's comfortable. Both of his children are aware of and comfortable with their adoption stories. "They have the tools and skills to talk about it, but I let them decide, right? Like, it's your decision around how you want to talk about it."
Normalizing Unique Identities in the Classroom
So, how to extend this openness beyond those home-based conversations and into the schools? "I would say it's awareness and then, depending on sort of the level of responsiveness,” Steve says. “Then, it could be moved to a collaboration and partnership, right?" He acknowledges that his family is fortunate in these terms - at least regarding his daughter's school. "We had different experiences in different schools and, so, now we are very conscious when we're approaching a new school year to educate the teachers that are, you know, responsible for our kids about the issues that are important to us."
He's less enthusiastic about his son's preschool, however. After some unfortunate situations in which a classmate repeatedly peppered his son with questions about his mother, Steve approached the administration about adopting a more LGBTQ-inclusive curriculum. Although the school agreed with his suggestions, in theory, they never followed through. "I feel like there needs to be this place of us as the parents being able to share what our children need,” says Erica, “what parts we’re willing to play, but also calling up the school and the leadership and, you know, the team members there to say, 'Hey, you have to do your part too; everybody has to participate in this.'" Then, it’s all about accountability, not accepting any attempt by school administrators to place course correction back on the parents or grown-ups whose children are directly affected.
"Are you finding yourself in a position where you feel like you're having to bring your work and the emotional labor involved with that to school for free?” India asks.
Steve is adamant in his response. “We, as the parents, are not the one that needs to do the work. It's like you bring the resources to them, and then they own it. And they take responsibility." Referring back to his advocacy on behalf of more LGBTQ-inclusive curriculum, he adds. "I think that's the collaboration part is, like, when you see that inaction, you just continue to push.” Momentum seems to be building as his district has since involved him in the review of LGBTQ-related policy documents. "I think there has been very good collaboration moving forward.
"I think what you said is important," Erica asserts, "because of the fact that there is no way to foster or to create a more inclusive environment in order to talk about the intersectionality of it as well because there's the concept of you being a gay dad, but then there's also the piece of, you know, your amazing kids being adopted. And, sometimes, there is this challenge of, yeah, I can navigate one, but I don't know how to navigate both."
Pandemic Pauses and Momentum Swings
Understandably, the pandemic has hindered some of his school policy momentum. "To be honest with you," Steve admits, "I feel like since COVID has happened, it's been harder for me to keep this stuff in the forefront just because I'm just...in all honesty, overwhelmed."
Anyone with young children at home over the last year can probably relate. Between the non-stop meal prep, daily technical issues, and the near impossibility of sustaining his own workable schedule, Steve has had to take a step back until his children return to in-person schooling this fall. "I just couldn't, like, add another thing on my plate."
The pandemic forced a lot of parents to confront philosophical questions as well. "I see this need of like, what do I need to do to take care of them, and what do I have to still have as a priority but also be realistic about, you know, what the situation is," Erica says, "because I do think that there were things in reference to school that, sadly, did have to kind of take a back seat because what could we do when school was no longer what we'd ever known school to be?"
Steve agrees. COVID hit just as his young business was in peak building mode. With his children at home, he was forced to scale back his workload. "I can't do it all; there's just no way," he admits.
Reconsidering Gender-Based Celebrations
Steve’s family did experience one unexpected side effect of shelter-in-place, however: no pressure to participate in Mother’s Day preparations at school. "They spend, like, two weeks in advance getting prepared," Steve says of the kids in early grades. "It's, like, the hardest month in our house." Having to school from home meant fewer opportunities for his children to engage with those activities. "So it was actually for us in some ways, a positive thing, because it gave them a break from that sort of pressure around having to, like, explain the fact that their, you know, their birth mom is alive but they don't live with her.”
While he’s not suggesting that gender-related parent day celebrations be abandoned, he does think this is yet another opportunity to invite more diverse expressions of family into the conversation. Erica agrees. "If there are two, two moms and then Father's Day comes around, what's the flip side? And, what it made me think is, is there a way to take something like Mother's Day and Father's Day and to be able to make it more about these, you know, role models in your life and less about them being a mom or a dad, but maybe more about the energy that comes with them?"
As a proponent of the masculine and feminine expressions from an energetic standpoint, Erica points out that we all have people in our lives that bring that vitality that has absolutely nothing to do with gender expression. "I'm obviously going really large-scale on that but... in my head I'm like, how could that possibly support kids to kind of look at it that way, and it being more about an individual versus them having to be your parent. Who’s that person in your life."
"I completely agree with that," says Steve. "I think that the importance of women in our culture and the importance of mothering and bringing new life into the world is so, so important. I think, for me, it's more like just having it be more inclusive of difference, creating a way to create it more inclusive of difference." He does playfully lament that he wishes the kids were in school come Father's Day so they could take part in preparation for that. "But I think it's important to celebrate, and I think what you said about role and energy.” In his home, Steve says he plays more of the caretaker role, taking the kids to doctor's appointments and engaging more with their schools. "I would say that you know, my kids often call me mama, so they identify with me as being sort of more of the female in parenting them."
Enlisting Allies, Advancing Advocacy
There’s a huge amount of work needed in the drive to normalize family diversity within the classroom. Imperfect allyship goes a long way in ensuring that those who are receiving the broken pieces of these systems that haven’t been dismantled yet don’t have to be both the recipients and the people doing all the fighting, the dismantling, the rebuilding.
"We cannot wear all the hats," Erica says. "We all have these areas where we can see what we can and then, you know, what we can't see, we try to hold space for it and hope to have some of those things filled in by those that maybe do have a little bit more of where that's not maybe our area of expertise.”
One Simple Action
If you’re looking for one action that you could take - today - to support change within your school, Steve has an easy answer. "Make donations of books that are inclusive of people of color, of gender expression, LGBTQ families.” In Steve's case, he also adds two or three titles that cover adoption to the list and attaches those as a stipulation of his donation. "That I think is something any ally can do."
He also suggests that parents and grown-ups can also provide book titles or authors to families directly as a means of advocacy, a tactic he's used before in his daughter's school. A simple, elegant solution that doesn’t require wonky supporting policy.
Determined To Be Dad
Steve’s own book, Determined To Be Dad: A Journey Of Faith, Resilience, and Love, will resonate with anyone exploring family-building options. "The reason I really wrote my book was to help LGBTQ people that are interested, but also to help heterosexual people that are struggling with fertility issues and really thinking about other ways to create family." Written as a memoir, it lays bare his emotional journey to parenthood - the emotions, the uncertainty, the loss. “It's a journey,” he says. “There's a lot of times that it's really, really hard. And, you know, I want you to know that that's normal; it's all part of the process."
Although their routes to family-building differed, Erica found that Steve's book beautifully expressed the similarities every family with a new baby has experienced.
"I think we're more similar than we are different,” Steve says, “and that's, you know, sort of the work of connecting with other human beings, right? Like, there's a lot of awful things in the world, and a lot of awful people," Steve says, "but, God, there's a lot of goodness, and there's a lot of commonality in that goodness and humanity."
Quoted
Steve Disselhorst
It’s important to be open and visible for others to see.
It's really complicated, right? The consideration of your child and their feelings and how they're going to react to the situation, and how you want to show up for yourself.
We are very conscious when we're approaching a new school year to educate the teachers that are, responsible for our kids about the issues that are important to us.
It's like you bring the resources to them and then they own it, right? And they take responsibility.
Erica Courdae
Whenever you're in the space of DEI, it does give you a different perspective when you're not just speaking to something anecdotally, you're speaking from experience; you're in it.
The passing piece and how that intersects with the visibility side of it is so important because it talks about and acknowledges the limitations of somebody’s very small, binary view of what this has to look like.
I feel like there needs to be this place of us as the parents being able to share what our children need, what parts we’re willing to play, but also calling up the school and the leadership.
We all have these areas where we can see what we can and then, you know, what we can't see, we try to hold space for it and hope to have some of those things filled in by those that maybe do have a little bit more of where that's not maybe our area of expertise.
GUEST CONTACT & BIO
Steve Disselhorst specializes in personal & professional leadership development and consulting for diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) and is the author of the memoir Determined To Be Dad: A Journey of Faith, Resilience, and Love. Before founding his firm, Steve worked for Genentech, a biotech company, and is a veteran healthcare marketer.
Currently, he serves on the San Mateo County LGBTQ Commission and is a speaker for the San Francisco LGBTQ Speaker’s Bureau. Steve is the father of two wonderful children who are the center of his world.