103. Four Questions to Ask When You’re Feeling Outraged
Summary
The recent social media controversy swirling around a particular white female empowerment brand isn’t new. But, if the “influencer’s” bad behavior is shocking to you, then the question isn’t, how could she? Instead, ask yourself, why am I so surprised? In this solo discussion, Erica proposes a series of questions to help us redirect that attention toward profound introspection rather than performative outrage.
In this discussion:
Old habits, new controversy
It’s not the bad behavior; it’s what comes next
Questions to ask yourself that support imperfect action, imperfect allyship
Collecting data through engaged watching and listening
Moving from outrage to introspection so we can do the work
Keep The Dialogue Going
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Article
Plenty of highly respected folks have already used their platforms to comment on a certain white female self-help author’s controversial social posts. We’ve chosen not to name said individual here, so why you may ask, are we dedicating an entire discussion to the topic at all? Because the problems run deeper than just this one instance. “I'm not doing this because I'm taking away anything that anyone else has said, but this is my contribution with my platform and, you know, the voice that I have at this point,” explains Erica. Instead, she offers a more holistic approach: introspection and action over outrage.
When bad behavior comes to light, it’s easy to focus on the individual and the singular behaviors of a brand’s figurehead. “I don't want to do that. There's plenty of dialogue and conversation happening around it and, truth be told, I'm exhausted to, at this particular point, talk about another white woman doing something that she has done consistently, and shown that she has no concern outside of herself - let alone anything around diversity, equity, inclusion, anti-racism, or any type of equality. So, I'm not even going to go there.”
Honestly, what we’re seeing is nothing new. Nothing! So, let’s take a step back and ask some questions in order to examine things from a different perspective because, as Erica says, “sometimes when we get stuck on - and it's something I say often - if we get stuck on those symptoms, then we're not paying attention to the disease.” Let’s move away from quick fixes that soothe the cough, but don’t heal the root causes. For change to take hold, we have to approach these systemic issues differently within ourselves and the people we have impact or influence on focusing on the problems outside of us.
In the spirit of imperfect action and imperfect allyship, it’s past time we engaged in some medicinal questioning. Where can we make change? Where can we create impact? Who can we be in conversation with? When can we look at ourselves and see where we can shift and do things differently? “I don't want to look at the problem; let's figure out solutions,” Erica says.
Ready or not, here we go...
Are you focusing on the root of the actions?
When things go sideways, it can be easy to look at this one person or this one, singular action. Let's take some time to dig below the surface and figure out what allows this to happen. Is it something that’s steeped in white supremacy? Is there a system that allows for this to happen? Are there mindsets that support this type of behavior and possibly even reward it?
“I would rather see some time and effort spent there so that we can begin to figure out what's the cause,” Erica says. “And, maybe we can begin to figure out where can we dismantle it and the places that we can make shit happen.”
Why are you surprised?
If this is an action, a mindset, a comment, a way of being that shows up regularly in certain circles by an individual within specific communities, then why are you surprised? Why do we have outrage and this feeling of “I can't believe this happened!” when these instances keep happening?
“Now, I say this being someone that when foolishness happens, I can clearly sit back and be like, ‘I don't know why we're doing this again,’” Erica admits. “And yet, at the same time, I do know. I do. And so, in some ways, it's a bit of a rhetorical question. And at the same time, I do want you to get real and be like, ‘Am I really surprised though?’”
Let’s recognize that there are points when we’ve all been like, “You really did that?” or “Y’all think that's okay?” But, then, there are also instances of pure “Oh, I'm not really that surprised.” It's important to acknowledge when we’ve been caught off guard. “You may truly think it's an isolated incident and not think that it's a systemic challenge or that it is rooted in white supremacy or that it comes from problematic ways of being that are not equitable,” Erica says. If, for some reason, you are surprised, question why.
What are the mindsets that make this possible?
If certain behaviors are constantly perpetuated, there are likely mindsets that have allowed these actions to continue, to exist unchecked for so long. “So, it's important to not only begin to consider if those mindsets exist and, if so, what are they so that you can recognize them when you're bearing witness to things,” Erica says, “but you can also recognize it in yourself.”
That introspection does work, by the way. “Some of the things that I have been seeing happening that actually does make me hopeful is people saying, ‘Hey, I'm acknowledging this, but I'm also acknowledging where I'm part of the problem; I am clearly someone that benefits from this system and I'm not immune to bad behavior. I'm not perfect, and so I'm not pointing at this because, Oh, it's terrible; I'm pointing at this because I'm bringing attention to something that needs attention brought to it.’”
Erica also reminds folks who belong to the group/s they’re calling out to examine their own liability or susceptibility to these very same questionable mindsets. “If you never think that it's you, ever, you could never do this,” she says, “that's problematic. None of us are immune to bad behavior.” The bad behavior, however, isn't the problem; it's what you do next. “I've said that plenty of times and I'm going to continue to because we make mistakes. We make transgressions. We have missed steps.” That is not the issue.
Do you know when serious problems ensue? “If you decide to double-down on your fuckery and say, ‘Oh no, I didn't do that. I don't know what's wrong. What's the problem with y'all? I didn't do it. It's not me!’ That's the problem. That's the problem.”
As the conversation winds down, Erica encourages everyone to live into her propositions. Answer them for yourself. Share them with your communities. Keep them handy in case you need them again going forward. “I want these to support you. That's what I want to focus on.”
To that end, she shares a final question…
Where am I using outrage instead of awareness or introspection for change?
AKA: how can I point the finger at someone else versus looking inward? “I think that when we are so focused on being outraged and offended and pissed and annoyed and all of these things, but we don't take that time to say, ‘okay, what's the awareness of what's really happening? Why are people really behaving this way? Why are others really responding this way? Why am I really responding this way? Why do I feel the way that I feel when we take that time to do that?’
That second part there?” Erica points out, “that’s where the actual magic comes up because, when we are doing this, ‘Oh, I'm outraged because I'm upset and I don't know what's wrong, and I want to focus on that part,’ then that basically puts us in a place of focusing on the emotion and we're not focusing on what's happening.”
When our attention becomes fractured, we’re no longer focusing on our own actions and thoughts or our own feelings. We’re no longer going inward, being quiet, paying attention. We’re not focused on the right things if we’re too busy with our demonstrative outrage. “We're not focusing on what's happening; what can I do to make changes? And how am I possibly contributing?” Erica says. “Let's focus on those things. Let's make sure that those are the things that we're taking the time to actually invest energy and brain space and heart space in.”
Closing Thoughts
As Erica said at the top of this discussion, it’s too easy to get stuck in the cycle watching in disbelief as someone else gets caught up in their own fuckery. “And I'm not saying that I don't sometimes ‘cause, you know what? Sometimes it's okay to sit back and eat your popcorn and be like, ‘Oh my gosh, what is happening?!’” And, sometimes, it's valuable to watch and listen. But there’s data there; there's information there. What's really happening? What are these behaviors, exactly? What’s actually happening? What can I do with that? “If you can put some time and energy into that, you can make some real shit happen.”
Again, take these propositions, use them for yourself, share them with others, keep them for future points where they can benefit you. Utilize them in ways that are going to be helpful. And we can get so much further when we go together. You can get people to drop that veil, challenge their thoughts, question their feelings, and shift actions -- but the work begins with you.
Quoted
Erica Courdae
“When there is bad behavior that happens, it can be easy to really focus on the individual and the singular behaviors. I don't want to do that.”
“If we get stuck on the symptoms, then we're not paying attention to the disease.“
“None of us are immune to bad behavior. The bad behavior isn't the problem; it's what you do next.”
“Sometimes, I think it's valuable to watch and listen. But there's data there; there's information there.”