173. Diverse Perspectives: Reconsidering the Meaning of Success
Defining Success for Ourselves
Success is difficult to define. Everyone has their own take on what it means, and there is often a difference between how we think about success and how it shows up in reality.
How we define success for ourselves in our work and in our lives is influenced by our backgrounds as well as our goals, it evolves with us over time, and it’s often deeply personal.
India and Erica discuss how they have defined success in the past, how the meaning of success has evolved, and share the perspectives of members of the Pause on the Play® Community.
Listen on your favorite podcast player or keep reading to learn:
How the definitions of success we’re exposed to early in life create narratives of how we perceive ourselves and others
Why we need diverse perspectives on the meaning of success
Eight community members share their working definitions of success
Success as Keeping Up Appearances
On the Pause on the Play® podcast, India says that her earliest definition of success comes from her childhood, when she associated it with keeping up appearances, from name brand shoes to the car you drove.
“The idea of success was what other people perceived of you. How did other people perceive how successful you were in the outside world when you leave your home?”
Erica says that she also had early encounters with definitions of success that were based on who you were outside of your home, whether that was at school or at work. “It was absolutely about the façade.”
By that definition, it didn’t matter if you liked your life or if you were actually living paycheck to paycheck, as long as your life appeared good to others.
“There was this lie that you were fed that things needed to look a certain way…None of this is rooted in substance or awareness.”
India notes that as she got a bit older, the narrative of success “was more or less success as stability.”
That narrative emphasized higher education and a “good government job” or other professions like medicine, dentistry, or law.
Erica adds that in her experience, traditionally blue collar jobs were included in that narrative, but the overall emphasis was on consistency and stability of income.
Those narratives of success don’t just apply individually, but also influence how we perceive and process others, Erica says.
“What we’re discussing is not only the way that you are processing success, but it’s also the way that you are processing success when it comes to other people…[And] are you inadvertently giving a message that maybe you don’t really wanna give?”
We Need Diverse Narratives of Success
Erica says that as she has gotten older and her definition of success has evolved, it has shifted from a tangible, external thing to a feeling or state of being.
“It’s definitely been a reclamation of it being something that is within me and not something external.”
But she says there are pieces of those early definitions of success that come back up, for example around the education you’re “supposed” to have, whether that education is relevant or not, or just a source of debt.
India says she went to college and took on the debt because of that narrative, “and not one person since I started my business has asked me, do I have a damn degree.”
Erica says, “There’s the things that we used to believe that were given to us that maybe we took on…The fact that those little stories are so insidious, they will try to come back up and you really have to acknowledge, is this my story? Is this in my voice?”
India says she wishes she had been given those kinds of questions when she was younger, but that she, like a lot of people, was in the echo chamber of her family of origin before she went to college.
“They had the lived experiences that they had. They had the perception of what another type of experience might be or other opportunities might be.”
But having access to a greater diversity of lived experiences and perceptions “has the ability to open you up to witness other types of success and possibilities.”
She continues, “I really do think that when we have diversity of perspective, of experience, of whatever that is and the intersectionality of it, and we’re able to witness those different perspectives…It gives them the possibility to feel like they belong in this world, knowing that they have a different idea of what success is for themselves.”
To bring in more of those perspectives, India and Erica reached out to the Pause on the Play® Community for their definitions of success in life and work. They also posed the question to subscribers of the newsletter.
India says, “We believe everyone has something valuable to offer and everyone’s perspective matters.
How Success Evolves
Speaking to how the definition of success has evolved, Pause on the Play® Community member Elaine Lou Cartas says, “The definition of ‘success’ has changed throughout my life. I've had to relearn this definition to what I've defined it as now.
In my 20s ‘success’ was getting out of my college debt and having a 6-figure job. Now in my 30s and undergoing the pandemic, ‘success’ to me is being completely present for myself and loved ones, honoring any emotions regardless if it is a low vibe energy because it tells us how we're truly feeling, and the ability to consistently live in integrity.
I had to relearn my definition of success as a result of burnout and understanding we live in a capitalistic world. What's important to remember is that we're human first.”
Success Is Acceptance
Community member Mim Jenkinson shares their process of surrendering success.
“Success to me used to be based solely on setting a goal and achieving it. And while I still LOVE a daily To Do list, it's now more than just checking off boxes. Success is feeling peaceful at the start and end of each day. That might still be because I've accomplished something, or it might be because I've surrendered to the circumstances. I suppose success is acceptance.”
Erica adds that the “ability to surrender to what’s happening can have a feeling of peace or ease on the other side, and I can absolutely recognize how that can feel like success.”
India agrees and says the need to surrender is also something she’s witnessed as people break up with hustle culture.
Being Fully Present
Community member and podcast guest Kim Wensel’s definition of success addresses the duality of presence and access, and defining success in work and in life.
“I love this question and am constantly coming back to it when I’m spiraling. To me, success means being able to be present no matter where I am. It’s not feeling guilty for taking time off in the summer to be with my kids. It’s being fully immersed in a client project and not worrying about my kids. It’s getting on the Peloton at 1pm and having a fridge full of healthy and fresh foods. Success feels nourishing to me — financially supported to be able to live the life I want to with the people who fill me up.”
Pause and Enjoy
Podcast guest EK Powell reflects on how fleeting the feeling of success can be, and pausing to be able to enjoy it.
"For me, success is a constantly evolving target. I don't think I'm capable of truly defining it in my personal or professional life. I've been happy and satisfied before, but two seconds later it's ‘what next?’ and then I'm no longer able to enjoy my happiness. Should I always be chasing something or working towards something to feel alive? If I stop the chase, have I admitted failure? Is accepting my situation failure? I'm going to do that thing that annoys everyone and define the word using the word in question. Success is being able to enjoy your success.”
Accepting Discomfort
Flaunt Your Fire® guest and community member Jetty Nieuwenhuis’s definition of success is short, but not simple.
She says, “Success to me is doing what I love in life, learning to be uncomfortable, consistency, and not giving up!”
India agrees that part of success can mean being in a place where you are willing to be uncomfortable, because you’re comfortable in who you are.
Balancing the Journey and the Destination
Community member Sean McMullin adds some big picture perspective to the definition of success in terms of work, relationships, and purpose.
“We use the term success in two different ways: in terms of projects (ie. job well done) and in terms of people (whether your life is a success or not).
While I enjoy celebrating the small wins that come with finishing a project, I don’t ascribe to the dichotomy of success and failure, winners and losers, when it comes to life as a whole. I would rather talk about life in terms of purpose or meaning.
For me meaning comes from friends and family, love, trust, and respect; purpose comes from creativity, curiosity, and challenge – falling down and then getting back up.
Life is a beautiful process full of challenges and growth. It’s the trip, not the destination. Sit back and enjoy the scenery!"
Success Is Internal
Community member Emily Souder shared from a piece she wrote a few years ago for Mother Hustle that she said still rings true for her today.
“I look at the kids that my body created, and I think, ‘yes, this is what success looks like.’
I think about my business, a thing that came out of my own mind, and the fact that I jumped into it when I was scared, even though I was scared…and I think, ‘this is success.’
Success is taking chances, embracing life with openness, and learning from the lessons presented to us as we move along our path.
It is not just status and money (though of course, those things can feel great), it’s so much more. The status and money look pretty darn empty when you take everything else away.
Bottom line, success is exactly what you want it to be. It’s not external to you, it’s internal.
It’s not what your parents told you it was, or what your best friend from childhood thinks that it is. It’s not even what I’m telling you that it is! It’s yours, and it’s relative. AND it’s fluid. It moves, shifts, breathes, and changes as you do.
Inhale. Exhale. Listen. Psst … it’s there.”
Disconnecting Success from Accomplishments
Community member, Flaunt Your Fire®, and Pause on the Play® guest Shannon Collins addresses how disconnecting accomplishments from worth and engaging with community impacts their definition of success.
“My definition of success is showing up in my messiness and realizing at the end of the day, that I am enough as is.
Devon Price wrote a book called Laziness Does Not Exist, which has a chapter called “Your Achievements Are Not Your Worth.” I found myself nodding along to it, especially the parts about savoring life by finding joy and meaning by deeply and presently enjoying a positive experience.
For me, success has looked like reconsidering my values and learning to look at my life as having worth, no matter what I do or don't accomplish.
Price writes about making time for awe, doing something you're bad at (which reminds me of Amenah Arman's Bad Art!), and focusing on the process, not the product. All of this feels like success to me.
He talks about how much life has been gamified and that it can feel like every mundane activity is a competition. I've tried to shift to a place of no longer comparing myself to others, but rather focusing on my own personal growth and the success that comes with self-improvement.
Success, for me, has looked like being my weird self publicly and visibly, and connecting with the goals that light a fire inside me, and pursuing them in a safe way. I think there's a lot of privilege in what I do, since so many Autistic folks can't unmask due to safety, or trans folks can't come out in their workplace. So I try to acknowledge that, while hoping that my visibility helps others feel less alone and more like they're succeeding just by being here.”
Ready to Dive Deeper?
The last thing we need is another echo chamber, perpetuating a single perspective on how we should live, love, and earn. If you know there’s more than one definition of and path to success, but haven’t found a place that encourages this diversity and divergence, good news: your search is over.
READY TO FIND YOUR PEOPLE? Join us inside The Pause on the Play® Community Where entrepreneurs and brands reconsider “normal” in life and work.
Learn more at pauseontheplay.com/community